A Defused Lighter and an Unlit Cigarette
by Dan'saBitch
Summary: (Oneshot)(Phan) After losing a member of their team Dan finds himself taking the lonely route, he feels the need to suppress himself while shutting out everyone who cares, including Phil. (FBI au) Warnings: mentions death of a minor character, angst, slight fluff, swears


A/N- Idk kind of basing their job situation off of like criminal minds.

Summery: After losing a member of their team Dan finds himself taking the lonely route, he feels the need to suppress himself while shutting out everyone who cares, including Phil.

Warnings: mentions death of a minor character, angst, slight fluff, swears, FBI au,

/

There's a total of three things Dan's ever actually loved in life.

He can recall the first time he's ever held a gun. The metal cold against the palm of his hand, the way it felt while he ran his finger tips over the sharp edges. A rush of power, a rush of trust to know it wouldn't hurt anyone as long as he didn't want it to.

Dan knew he had a connection with the chiseled weapon, and he loved the surge of adrenaline burning through his body every time he felt the piece revolt back, shuttering with each shot fired. The sound, the feeling, became addicting, it felt like home.

Home, another thing that's been shoveled into a place close to his heart. The consent chatter of pans and cooking utensils, the sound of his mum shouting at his siblings for being to noisy, and the warmth of his bed, the sheets, the pillows. The familiarity. That's what Dan loved, and that's what he misses. He misses his smaller siblings running around causing him to go mad, and he misses his nagging mum who was always on him about everything he did.

But it's okay, and it's good to miss all those things but now he's made a new family with a kind new of familiarity. A new kind of sense to the world, leaving the safety of his mum's home to go into the world where the danger lurks and the guns aren't always on his side.

And he was happy. **Was.**

Dan's in his apartment at the time, looking over files trying to piece together a current case. But he's finding it pretty hard to focus, with sleep and food on his mind.

He glances to the clock beeping across the kitchen stove, just as his phone started to go off. He pried it from his pocket not bothering to look at the caller ID. "Hello?" Dan can hear the drowsiness in his own tone.

"Dan, hey where are you?" Phil's voice was recognized right away.

"Home, just looking over some stuff on the Beakly case. Why? Is something wrong?"

"No everything's fine, I-I was just wondering if you want to get a bite to eat." Phil's words were slow like something was stuck on his tongue.

"Is everyone else going?"

"Um- well no I jus-"

"Phil" Dan drug his tongue across his bottom lip, sprawling the papers across the table he had crumbled in his hand.

"Dan" Phil bit back, and for a second Dan could hear ache in his tone, causing a pinch of guilt to crawl up his spine willing him to say-

"Okay."

/

Dan decided to walk, didn't really care if it took longer, didn't really care if he kept Phil waiting. The night was pretty as it fell through the sky, splattered with unseen stars too drowned out by the bright city lights.

And it was cold enough to comfort Dan as he let the tension sliver off his back. A jacket hanging around his shoulders, his overgrown hair brushing the collar.

The little cafe was just around the corner when Dan spotted Phil engulfed in a crowd crossing the street, Phil detected Dan as well and gave out a small smile. Dan only nodded in return, stopping to wait for Phil to catch up.

When Phil's beside him his legs start moving again, their greetings seem to fall in their gestures from before.

They sit at a booth for two and Dan finds it hard to open his mouth.

"You okay?" Phil inquires, his fingertips fiddling with the corner of his menu.

"Yeah," Phil seemed to sink with Dan's answer.

"It's okay to- you can talk to me if you want."

"There's nothing to talk about." Dan said not looking up from the multiple names of burgers listed down the menu."Any thing on Beakly?"

Phil's stare strayed on Dan in silence before he glanced out the window letting out the breath he'd been subconsciously holding, he said a simple "no"

Dan nodded slightly, putting down the menu but hardly making eye contact with Phil.

"You know you can take a break, we'd understand." Dan almost snorted as he lifted a hand to brush the hair from his face.

A waitress came over to take their orders, then it fell silent between them again.

"You know this guys pretty sloppy we should have probably nabbed him by now." Dan was talking about the case, and heartbreak started to eat at Phil's features.

"Dan" he looked up watching Phil's expression. His jaw started to clench just as he put his elbows on the surface of the table.

"Phil I don't know what you want me to say, I don't know what you were expecting when you asked me here." Dan's words was flat and this time he did look Phil in the eyes, seeing every inch of hurt.

"No wait I take that back, I do know what you want, you want me to come crying, running to you, you're so sick of feeling useless and weak. But I can't really help you, I can't be someone I'm not so that you can feel better." Dan's tone was scary, and quiet like a snake sneaking up on you before taking your ankle into it's mouth and injecting you with death.

And Phil felt terrified.

But he battled against it, and tried to fend death off.

"You really think- Dan you fucking up and left me in one of the toughest moments of my life, of all our lives. You think I'm angry at you because I feel weak? I think you're so full of shit. " Phil's palms were on the table and he was leaning over to get as close to Dan as he could. "I know you're strong, stronger than all of us apparently but this is ridiculous, it's almost like you don't care." Phil's voice cracked.

Dan only stared back with a crazed glint caught in his eyes, he was shaking his head.

"You've caught me Phil, I don't give a flying fuck about anything, not Karson, not you, not anyone." Dan's voice was inflated with acrimony, and it scared Phil that he couldn't even tell if he was being sarcastic or not.

Phil sighed, dropping back into the booth gazing at Dan, feeling the venom take him down.

"You've always wanted someone more softer so here's your chance." Dan felt himself unleash every thought that's come to mind.

"You are unbelievable," Phil mumbled, crossing his arms.

Dan's eyes were caught on Phil's when their food arrived.

The rest of their dinner was filled with talk about case work, if any at all.

When they finished they payed and stepped outside, Dan pulled out a cigarette.

"You're smoking again?" Phil asked, surprise tweaking it's way into his words.

Dan shrugged as he put it between his lips and lit it, seeping a drag into his lungs, they started to walk.

"So where are you staying?" Phil questioned.

"It's a 15 minute walk from here." Phil nodded shoving his hands into his pockets.

"Do you want me to walk you-"

"Phil-" Dan stopped looking up at the sky for a brief second, "go home."

Phil came to a halt as they looked at each other, Phil felt everything deflate in front of him. Dan's eyes were cold and ice was in Phil's veins, he didn't see any kind of anything in Dan any more, he looked so- lifeless.

Phil pressed his lips together before staring at the pavement.

"I'll see you tomorrow," then he was gone and Dan was left on a empty sidewalk, with an empty feeling swimming in his stomach.

/

Sometimes when Dan's lying in his bed, at a quarter past 3, he'll turn on his side, and reach out into the empty space beside him. He'd grab at the sheets and stare at the unused pillow. Blinking, imagining in the dark, until he fell asleep.

/

Dan's leather jacket slapped onto his back, his hair pushed to the side, looking in the mirror, the bags under his eyes become prominent. His face only showed boredom, but he felt as if he could collapse to the floor.

The breeze outside tumbled, on and off, sending shivers through his body. Dan stuck a cigarette between his lips, but forgot to light it. He packed all the papers he needed for the day into a folder, but didn't pick it up off the kitchen counter. He was a mess, as he stepped through the office doors.

He fumbled with the badge around his neck before holding it up, flashing it to the secretary, though she already recognized him and buzzed him through. Dan made his way through the halls, jumping into the nearest lift, he punched the 4th floor button then stood back. Hardly taking regression of the unknown woman standing next to him, until she felt the need to speak.

"Are you going to smoke that?" her tone was raw as she spit her words. At first Dan didn't really understand, until he felt something between his lips. He lift a hand, grasping his fingers around the stick before removing it. He stared at the unlit cigarette for a couple seconds. Feeling as though he's losing his mind.

"Guess not" he answered back, his voice at a whisper.

The doors of the elevator screeched open and Dan took no time to escape the woman's glare as the doors clamped shut behind him.

He stood on the platform seeing his co-workers in their regular spaces, and for a moment he almost expected Karson to be seated laughing along with Reggie who's desk was across from his.

But when Dan looked, the chair was empty.

And the desk was wiped clean of his possessions, kind of like how Dan wanted to wipe his mind clean of him.

Dan was late, but no one said anything when they saw him cross the floor over to his desk. Files were dispersed everywhere, covering every inch of the surface.

"You should really clean that up Howell, it's giving me a headache." Mercy commented as she walked past him, a bundle of folders in her arms. Dan shook his head looking over to her, finding a small smile on her lips, nothing appeared on his in return. And when she realized that, her smile disappeared, and she soon followed it.

Dan sat down, he leaned his elbows on the top of the desk before attempting to rub the sleep from his eyes.

Sighing he picked up a random folder, propped it open and began reading it through.

He read about another woman, age 23, found leaning against a fence in a children's park, with handkerchief stuffed in her mouth and burn marks painted across her body. The most recent victim, in the Beakly case.

This guy's creativity wavered.

/

Dan looked up from all papers, glancing to each of of his colleagues, he noted none of them looked exactly thrilled to be here. Not even Jensen was cracking jokes.

So the room with filled with a some sort of tension, a tension that they all seemed to be diligently dancing around. No one was really talking to each other, Dan hasn't seen anyone attempt to commute since Mercy tried earlier this morning.

He turned back to the front of his desk but just sort of ended up staring at his computer screen for a while. He knows he should be working, he's aware, and he's feels the guilt prickle his skin from his lack of motivation. Because this job is important. But he just can't think straight.

So he continues to stare at the black screen in front of him, his mouth open slightly, his chin tilted upward. Dan swallowed when he felt a tap on his shoulder. He blinked before gazing up, seeing Eason looking down at him with a soft expression.

"How you doing?" he asked.

"Why does everyone keep asking me that." Dan cracked, swatting Eason's hand away. Eason pressed his lips together in a thin line, giving him a look.

But Dan truly couldn't put together why everyone was fussing over him. Sure he was pretty close to Karson, but wasn't everyone?

Dan stood up, towering over Eason, "I'm going to take an early lunch break." he said and Eason didn't say anything against it, all he did was nod.

Dan slowly exited the building his feet dragging the whole way through, a certain pair of blue eyes catching his attention, only briefly, but enough to distract him as he stood in line across the street waiting to order a coffee.

Dan sat down with his coffee cupped around his hands, warming his nerves he glanced out the window, looking at the building which held unwanted memories.

/

The rest of the day seemed to sliver through in pieces. Each piece dragging along with it's jagged edges, even more painful than the last. No mattered how hard Dan had tried to pull his head through all the shit swarming around in it, he just couldn't find his gripping.

So another defeated day brought nothing more than grim lined lips and heavy drooping eyelids.

Dan wanted to reach home so badly, but when he came through his apartment door. Unsatisfactory hit him pretty hard, because it didn't really feel like home at all. There was no familiar essences to grab him tight and hold him until his head stopped pounding. No not at all, he only drowned in his thoughts.

He popped a couple pills to help him sleep before he was unclothed and sprawled across his bed, sideways, because there's no one there to complain about it.

/

Some time during the middle of the night, Dan's phone started to go off. Pulling him out of his medicated induced sleep. His eyes withered open as his arm automatically shot out to the side, his hand slapping over his phone which had been previously tossed onto his night side table.

Grasping the phone he punched the button with his thumb, bringing it to his ear nearly hitting himself in the side of his face.

In a groggily voice he asked, "What?"

"Dan! It's about bloody time, we had a major break through in the case. We've got the guys location." Mercy's breathless voice came from the other end, Dan was sitting up now, slouched over, gazing at the wall in front of him.

"Really? Where? I'm coming." He rushed tossing the blankets to the side, Dan pushed himself out of bed.

"You don't have to, Lester and Earson are taking care of it." Dan's eyebrows furrowed and bile rose in his throat.

"What? Ph-Lester's my partner." Dan stated a bit dazed.

"Yeah I know but they were the one's to crack it, they didn't want to waste any time-"

"We're not suppose to be with anyone but our partners." Dan gaped.

"Dan- I know but this is an exception- are you okay?" Mercy let the concern flood her words.

"Yeah- just give me the location." he said.

"I think you're overacting it's just one guy they'll be fine." Mercy tried to explain, but it only made him angrier.

"No one will ever be fucking fine, Merc not with this job." She was quiet for a moment trying to drain Dan's words.

"They've got back up, it's not just them." She said softly, her words becoming hushed with remorse.

"I know- but I can't-" Dan's words started to loose their heat as he lost them in the back of his throat. Silence then fell between the line.

"Phil will be fine." she finally said, realization hitting her. "You want to protect him, I know- but he'll be fine, he's capable and after what happened I think we're all being a little more cautious." Mercy's words seemed to sink into Dan as he collapsed back onto his bed. His mouth slightly open, eyebrows together creasing worry, his heart dreading for the safety of his friends.

"Okay," was all Dan said, was all Dan could say, because truth seemed climb up his limbs.

It seemed surreal before, even when he was standing in the gloom, black suit, black tie, watching his friends casket being lowered into the ground. Everyone around him, tears slicking down their cheeks.

Phil on the other end, standing between Jensen and Mercy, drenched in his own black clothing. Wetness staining his cheeks along with the rest of them, he glanced over to Dan, then their eyes met. And Phil seemed to be asking the question 'why?', but Dan really couldn't answer.

He was the odd one out of the bunch that day, his cheeks remained dry, his words remained calm.

But now he sees Karson's never going to walk through those office doors again, carrying a basket of coffees. He's never going to laugh with them, or use his charm to pick up some random chick when they're out and about, or his brilliance to get a suspect to crack under pressure.

Karson's gone.

Dan hung up, he remained still, staring at the floor before he fell back into his bed, his eyes licking down the ceiling.

A chill ran through his body as he pictured Karson's face. Then he picture Phil's face. He pictured Phil in the casket, he pictured his stone cold expression watching as the only person that's really mattered to him disappear forever.

Dan squeezes his eyes shut, and doesn't open them until morning.

/

This morning was like the last,

except not.

A new kind of anger had taken it's place in Dan's stomach. And he can't decided if it boils for himself or for his colleagues who broke the rules.

And when he entered the office that morning, everyone seemed to be all smiles, the exact opposite of yesterday. They all were gathered around Eason's desk, talking, laughing, smiling.

But all Dan wanted to do was turn around and run.

But he didn't, he stood lean and walked forward letting his feet hit the carpet softly, remaining unheard. He sat down.

And he thought how silly it is of them to be celebrating, just because of one case. When there where so many more to be uncovered.

It was minutes later before he heard someone say "Dan" he didn't turn his attention to the voice calling his name.

"Are yo-" before Mercy could even finish Dan's tolerance had already been sucked up, pink tinted his cheeks.

"I'm fucking fine, okay," He seethed, probably a little louder than intended because the soft laughs and conversations died and the room became silent. Dan could feel the eyes on his back, when he heaved out a sigh.

Snapping, he stood staring Mercy straight in the eyes, she looked frightened, but not really for herself more like for Dan's well being.

He glanced over to his friends, there concerned stares where enough to make him want to throw up. So he just left.

/

Leaning against the side of the building, Dan pulled out a cigarette followed with a lighter. But as he attempted to lite the end, the lighter only gave out defused sparks.

Dan groaned in annoyance as he repeatedly tried to get any kind of flame from the used up lighter.

The sound of foot steps falling against the cement echoed in the ally way, Dan's thumb started to go red from his failed efforts against the wheel of the little device that couldn't seem to do its job right.

The foot steps stopped when they became the loudest, Dan turned his head to find the source. He saw Phil stilling himself while shoving his hands into his pockets.

"Let me guess they sent you out here to talk to me." Dan spoke giving up on the cigarette. Phil was silent as he turned to lean against the brick wall, his body next to Dan's.

Dan sighed pushing himself away from Phil, he was about to leave when he was tugged back by the sleeve of his jacket. His feet skid to a stop as he stared ahead.

"Are we- really over?" Phil asked hesitant.

The guilt had now crawled inside of Dan and died, rotting, you could probably smell it off of him.

Dan ripped his wrist away, he wanted to turn to Phil, he wanted to gather him in his arms and kiss away every inch of sadness. That's what he wanted to do, but he didn't.

"Do you like- not love me anymore?" Phil's voice cracked mid-sentence. "Was Karson dying, some sort of excuse to leave?"

When Dan didn't say anything, only pausing in his tracks ,is when Phil released a sob.

Dan had only ever seen Phil cry a total of two times and both times it was because someone had died.

And supposedly to Phil their love had died.

But to think he's causing Phil to feel like that-

Dan spun around just in time to see Phil wipe his eyes with the heel of his palm. He looked so hurt. Phil turned his head sideways trying to hide from Dan as he started to walk forward.

"Just go," he whimpered, "get away- from me." Phil was stepping back until he was hitting the wall. He let out another cry.

"Phil" Dan said his expression detached, he reached out just as Phil recoiled away from him, suddenly slamming his hands flat onto Dan's chest as an attempt to push him away.

"Stop" Dan bit, forcing Phil's arms away, he took advantage of Phil's position slipping his hands onto Phil's face. His fingers brushing into Phil's hair while his palms lay on his cheeks, his thumbs becoming damp with tears.

Phil's fingers curled around Dan's wrists as his cries became steady.

"You don't love me any more." Phil's words spaced as he stifled them out releasing jagged whimpers. Dan's thumbs whipped more tears as they spilled onto Phil's cheeks.

He wanted to be sick, and he wanted to cry with Phil because what he's doing is horrible. How could he be so obsessed with keeping Phil safe physically, but not really thinking about the emotional damage he's causing.

"No" Dan whispered leveling his nose with Phil's. "I- I left you because I got really scared." Dan could feel a lump forming in the back of his throat. "I mean, losing Karson was horrible, but losing you-"

"So much of what I've built for myself in the past couple years would be meaningless, and I got scared because what if something did happen to you? I thought getting away from you would help me, be able to live through that." Dan said his voice rigid.

"That's stupid." Phil cried releasing a shaky breath, but Dan could also hear the relief behind it. "I'm not going to die, and if I did you'll learn to live. Dan you can't live in fear of something bad happening, bad things happen all the time you just have to deal with it when it happens. I would be devastated if something happened to you, but eventually I'd have move on. Because that's what you'd want, right?" Phil's voice shook.

Dan choked on a breath, nodding slightly.

"I'm sorry." Dan murmured, looking into Phil's glassy eyes.

"You're an idiot." Phil responded while smiling through his tears. "Please come home." he said.

Dan nodded, because he wanted to go home more than anything.

Not the home where his mum yelled at his siblings, and there was a constant chatter of pots and pans.

But the home where when he falls asleep with his back pushed up against Phil's, the home where every time he enters the kitchen the cabinet doors are swung open, the home where multiple cereal bowls litter the house, always hidden in places Dan would never suspect.

So Dan gripped onto Phil and promised to never leave again.

/

The third thing Dan's ever really loved in life is Phil.


End file.
